by Jeff Marshall

 

Jeff Marshall, humor

Quite a title, huh?!?!

Bet you’re thinking I’ve finally gone over the deep end! He’s lost his marbles, he’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic basket, he’s a few bricks shy of a full load…

Yes, it has been a long week, but I’ve got my head on straight. I promise! Or at least as straight as it’s going to be.

Today I share with you a few of my pet peeves. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you – those things that just rub you the wrong way with no particular rhyme or reason. They are the little things in life that can turn a wonderful day into a nightmare just because you’re an eccentric, idiosyncratic nut job.

I try to keep a positive mental attitude – I really do!! But any one of the issues below can turn me into a raving mad lunatic.

So, with all due respect to anybody who disagrees, I share with you Marshall’s Pet Peeves. Keep in mind that this list can change at the drop of a hat depending on my mood and tolerance level…

1) SCHMALTZY LINGO – Forgive me, but this is the best term I can come up with to describe my first pet peeve. I cringe when someone describes “delicious vegetables” as “yummy veggies”. I go through the roof when someone refers to a “hug” as a “cuddle”. There are just certain overly cute words and phrases that immediately get under my skin like a viral infection! OK, OK, I realize I’ll never be a Hallmark greeting card author – I will never be caught dead saying that I hope your birthday is filled with giggles and sunshine and tickles of glee… Actually, the more I think about this, I might come up with my own series of greeting cards. HAPPY BIRTHDAY – YOURE GETTING OLD – DEAL WITH IT.

2) U-TURNS – This is probably my most frustrating pet peeve because I have no idea why it bothers me as much as it does. Just because every street doesn’t have a NO U-TURNS sign does not give you the right or the privilege to do a u-turn in the middle of the road. It just doesn’t! It’s implied that you, as a licensed driver, KNOW BETTER! There’s so many other avenues to turn around – come on guys, be adventurous. I’m sure you won’t miss the 23 seconds out of your life it will take to simply turn onto a different street and find a way to continue your voyage. Be respectful of the other drivers around you – namely ME – who have absolutely NO idea what you’re planning to do.

3) TOILET PAPER PLACEMENT – This one is going to be short and sweet because I KNOW I have supporters on this one. The toilet paper should be placed on the roll so the paper comes over the top, not behind the back. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. If you invite me to your house, the first thing I will do is go into your bathroom and make sure your toilet paper is hung correctly. If it is incorrectly placed, I will take the liberty to change it, immediately leave your house and probably never talk to you again. Some things we know instinctively!

4) BOB SAGET – Bob Saget is the person at work that you can’t stand no matter how hard you try. He can say all the right things, do everything that would normally make you a happy camper, compliment your dogs, and you still wish he would go on an extended vacation to Zimbabwe without the comforts of home. Quite simply, he rubs me the wrong way – and once again, I have no idea why. I’m sure he’s a very pleasant guy, but if you ever want to get information out of me, simply tie me to a chair in front of a television playing FULL HOUSE. I will spill my guts before the first commercial break. And I have no proof of this, but I’ll bet you a million bucks he puts his toilet paper on the wrong way! Just a hunch!

 

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