For those of us who have parented children with emotional issues, whether through birth, adoption, or foster care, inevitably the time comes when we have a child who throws a fit in public. This might be a typical 2 year two old fit in the grocery cart at Target, or, as more and more children are presenting with special needs such as Sensory issues, Autism, and an Alphabet Soup of high needs diagnosis, it’s not unusual to deal with an older child in a meltdown or rage of anger.
I’ve been in these situations both as a parent and as the bystander. How can we help a mom (or dad) when his or her child is raging in public?
Let me share my experience from the mom side. First, I want to make the disclaimer that each of us is unique so please don’t assume one size fits all moms. (Take a look at the jeans in my closet and you’ll know this is true. I’ve got 6 sizes in there. One size doesn’t even fit THIS mom.) Use the following as a general guideline.
Second, while it is true that some bystanders are judgmental and turn their noses up at me and my “misbehaving” child, more often I actually get the vibe the majority of people are sympathetic to my plight. They just don’t know what to do to help me.
You’re reading this blog post right now (thank you!) so I assume you have some interest in this topic and want to help a mom out next time you see her. Whether a mom in this situation takes you up on your offer, know that your care is worth the effort to try. We don’t always know if we are making the right decisions in this world, but my motto is better to err on the side of love and compassion.
Steps to Help a Mom When Her Child is Raging in Public
- Ignore the child. Unless you specifically know the child and his or her behavior strategies, do not attempt to calm, persuade, or placate the child in any way. Completely ignore him. Your attention will reinforce his behavior.
- Ask mom, in a loud, calm voice, “How can I help YOU?” or “What can I do to help YOU?” (Not
“Is there anything I can do to help?”Politeness tends to rule and Mom will respond “no” to this one.) Realize Mom is now running on adrenaline along with her child. She might be scared, angry, panicked, or worried. Encourage that you are there for her. Your calm presence will help calm her. - Offer suggestions of how you can help. Some ways you might help: watch her other children or make sure they are safely in her line of sight, secure her belongings, bring her car around to the nearest entrance, create a safe space for her to be with her child who is raging. This might include closing doors so the child won’t run away, if applicable. Never attempt to restrain a child.
- Respect her privacy. If you offer these options and Mom doesn’t desire help, or you’ve given the help you could, respect her need for privacy with her child. You’ve helped as you could.
- Offer Mom a few words of encouragement! Tell her she is strong and she’s doing a great job of parenting. You have no idea how long and how far those words of encouragement will carry her. The child needs to hear your words, also. A child who is raging is often scared of her own behavior and feelings of being out of control. (Even if it doesn’t look like it.) She needs to hear that the adults around her are in complete control of the situation.
- Pray for the mom and child. Pray for wisdom, patience, and peace for everyone involved.
Have you helped a parent when his or her child is raging in public? Have you had a child have a meltdown in public? How did you handle it?
I have been in that place with my daughter when she was around 4 years old. She is twenty now and we have a good relationship. But at that time? she was SO strong willed, and no matter what we did, she “bulled up” and that made it almost impossible for me and my husband to get through to her. With time, love, and patience, she came out of it. Today, when I hear a child having a meltdown as I’m shopping, my memory takes me back to my 4 year old and the fits that she threw, not because she wasn’t taught better, but because she couldn’t handle the way she was feeling, and she was overwhelmed and frustrated. That made TWO of us. So in my heart, I pray for that Mom and her child because God can change that situation and help them both to work through it, and bring peace to that moment.
My daughter has been out of control in public many times and all people do is condemn me and never offer to help. I have had people jump out of their cars and take pictures of me with their iPhones and threaten to call the police on me w/o bothering to find out what was going on. They just assumed I was beating her. I refused to talk with them – things were too crazy plus I did not owe them an explanation.
God bless you, Kinnereth! If I were there, I would give you a hand! ((HUGS))
Well said! I’ve been that mom and how I WISH someone would have offered me this help….
I have also been that Mother. Loved your suggestions! How I wish someone would have done that for me!
Thank you for this post. It really helps to be given specific ways to offer to help, as I tend to just ask, “Can I help you?” and get the polite response.
I love this!! My son has a really short attention span and when he is done, he is DONE!! I recently just gave birth to my second child and going from one to two was hard but grocery shopping with two is sometimes just plain scary. About a week ago we ran into the store just to get stuff for that night and my son had had it for the day. He was whiney and mad and mean and I felt truly overwhelmed, judged and embarrassed. The man behind me must have seen it on my face because he reached into his wallet and pulled out a $1 bill and gave it to my son. He looked at me and said “I have 3 of them, money always works” and gave me a big, warm smile. I wanted to cry. It was so kind and made me feel much better. My son immediately stopped acting up and walked over to the claw machine to spend his dollar. I will always remember that man and the way it made me as a mom feel!
Fantastic topic. My wife and I (we have 12 children ourselves) are often doing both #5 and #6….though i tend to step in oftentimes. Completely agree with “Unless you specifically know the child and his or her behavior strategies, do not attempt to calm, persuade, or placate the child in any way,” I just happen to have a particular knack with disruptive kids.
Maybe it’s a glitch in me, not sure. Or the storyteller.
Though I will say more times than not the one thing that helps is to reassure the mother/father and actually compliment them about the child. I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out.
To tell a parent that a strong willed child is a marvelous thing–a GREAT blessing, is to also strengthen them emotionally and mentally, so they can get a grip on the larger perspective. This is only an event.
This is not “life” nor the “end” regardless of how it may feel at the moment. This tantrum has a beginning and it has an end, so I like to smile (ignoring the child, exactly as you suggest) and focusing on the parent and telling them, “Wow. Do you realize how AWEsome this is? You get that strong will pointed in the direction you want them to go and there’s no stopping them! God must have a HUGE amount of confidence in you to give you such a soul!”
9 out of 10 will smile and you’ll see a flash of determination and appreciation for being seen themselves.
Again, fantastic article!
God Bless.
Jaime, Thanks so much for the comment! Father of 12?! Okay, you are totally my hero forever! It sounds like you have some great strategies and also wonderful encouragement for parents in these types of situations. Good for you for being there for other parents in these difficult times.
My daughter used to have fits of rage…randomly..from about age 2 up to 13/14. Found out she has a hormonal imbalance. I felt mortified every time it happened in public. Even had a police officer respond to my call for help when she would throw things at about 10 yrs old… he told me I should spank her. I was like, dude, don’t you think I have tried every method in the imaginary book of parenting? Sometimes all you can do is pray and help make sure the child is safe – put blocks up at entrances, ensure things that arent’ nailed down are out of reach, etc.
Thanks for sharing, Wanda. Really interesting about the hormone inbalance. Was that able to be corrected? Is she doing better now?
Actually, yes. We found out when I put her on the pill because she was so out of control. I was extremely concerned since she was making bad decisions…last thing I needed was a pregnant teen. Anyway, night and day difference in behavior and attitude once on the pill. She grew up and is now 24. She still struggles with thinking things through, but she is very smart and figuring it out.
We actually had a man call the police on us because of the way our daughter was raging, he assumed we must have beaten her. 🙁 Good thing the police officers realized that was not the case.
Sarah, what a terribly difficult situation! My heart goes out to you, both for what the man did by calling the police, and dealing with your daughter raging like that. ((HUGS)) from one mom who has been there to another!
The child may be tired or hungry. Take a moment and bind the spirit of disruption and loose a spirit of peace and control for the mother.
The times when my child is acting up I love when people say a few words to let me know they have been there to. It helps me not feel so alone and judged in that moment knowing that they people around me have been through it also. I like your tip on praying for the mom and child.
Thanks for your comment, Stephanie! I agree it really helps to know others are reaching out with support and not in judgement.
Actually, yes. We found out when I put her on the pill because she was so out of control. I was extremely concerned since she was making bad decisions…last thing I needed was a pregnant teen. Anyway, night and day difference in behavior and attitude once on the pill.