by Jeff Marshall
So, I turned 42 the other day. Your birthday card got lost in the mail, you say? Funny, I’ve been hearing that a lot. I’ll forgive you this time!
Anyway, I’ve been doing the math. If I multiply 42 by 2, I come up with 84. I don’t have the official figures at hand, but I would assume that is close to the average lifespan of the male homo sapien.
Mathematics have never been my strong suit, but if I’m running these numbers correctly, that means that I am officially MIDDLE AGED. Can’t deny it – the numbers don’t lie!
When I was younger, I always considered people in their 60s and 70s to be middle aged, but then reality set in – namely, the realization that there are very few 125 year old people out there. If you want to be polite, I suppose you could say they are on the far edge of middle age.
As I start reflecting on the next half of my life, I tend to find changes in myself that definitely prove that I’m entering my doddering old man phase. So, list maker that I am, here are the Top 10 signs that I’m turning into a cranky old fart:
Top 10 Signs of The Middle Ages
by Jeff Marshall
- Given the option to do so, I could easily see myself eating supper at 3:30 PM and going to bed at 8:00 PM.
- My idea of a fun evening is blowing on the dogs and pretending they are on the opening credits of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.
- I have become infatuated with the price of gas AND the weather forecast.
- When buying groceries at the supermarket, the first thing I check now is the percentage of fiber.
- I audibly groan every time I sit down, stand up, bend over, turn my head, lift my leg, wave my arm, and blink my eyes.
- An example of a horrible crisis is deciding whether to watch THE VOICE and record DANCING WITH THE STARS or watch DANCING WITH THE STARS and record THE VOICE.
- I’ve started telling hardship stories from my childhood to shame these spoiled rotten youngsters who think they have it so rough with all their new-fangled gadgets like Game Boys and Ataris and Cellular Telephone Devices.
- I complain to anyone who will listen that today’s cartoons have NOTHING on Looney Tunes and Tom & Jerry.
- Every couple weeks I wear my pants just a little itty-bit higher – by this time next year my belt will be going around my neck.
- I can’t remember what I was going to say…
So, my friends, I’d love to hear some examples of the changes you see in your own lives as you get older. I know I’m not the only one out there ten minutes away from yelling, “I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!”
You don’t go to the far end of the house for one thing. You make a list of everything you might need to take or bring back so you don’t have to make more than one trip.