by Jeff Marshall

Jeff Marshall, humor

So, I’ve started and stopped about 942 blogs this week – I come up with an idea, I flesh out the idea, I get bored by the idea, I hate the idea, I kill the idea by torturing it with bizarre liquid household products. You know the drill.

As a writer, I am under a deadline – the pressure is enormous. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating profusely, screaming at the top of my lungs. I try to get back to sleep by counting sheep jumping over old Smith Corona typewriters.

Since I have been unable to settle on an exact topic, I thought I’d share with you some random thoughts that have entered my head this week. I’m thinking of making this a regular segment – I think we’ll call it THIS ‘N’ THAT. Catchy, huh? Kinda like Steak ‘n’ Shake. Rock ‘n’ Roll. Charles ‘n’ Charge.

CHALRES IN CHARGE!?!? Bad 80s sitcoms – I gotta cover that one. I could do a whole series on that topic – and the research would be so much fun. YouTube is a wonderful thing, my friends, it really is! Where else can you watch a monkey passing gas, a weatherman with the hiccups, a documentary about World War II, AND reruns of SHE’S THE SHERIFF?!? If I didn’t have to work for a living, I would totally spend 16 hours every day watching Dean Martin celebrity roasts and infomercials for Fushigi and the Popeil Automatic Pasta Maker.

Speaking of which, I bought the Popeil Automatic Pasta Maker many, many years ago. I’ve been know to do wild and crazy things like that from time to time. It’s how I got my reputation of being a rebel! I returned it immediately. It had like a million parts, it was loud, I didn’t enjoy it. I was so disappointed because the infomercials made it look so fun and easy. Whatever! Ron Popeil is a liar and I hope he never has a decent bowl of spaghetti ever again as long as he lives.

OK, so I just googled Ron Popeil to make sure he was still alive because I would have felt really bad about being mean to him only to find out he got crushed in an elevator or something. He is 80 years old! That’s old! I have an uncle who is around 90 and I swear he looks younger than I do. It’s sickening. He apparently does sit ups and push ups every day and has done so for decades. The only push ups I care about are the orange creamcicle ones I find in the frozen food aisle at County Market.

Speaking of which, I may have told you about this before, but I love shopping at County Market because they have baskets full of dented cans and torn boxes at remarkably low prices. I have no pride. I’ll buy a dented can of Lima beans for a quarter. Heck, yeah! I’ve even considered shopping with a hammer and chainsaw – once I leave that store you’ll be able to buy your Raisin Bran for pennies!

Why do women go to the bathroom in groups? I’m very curious about this. Whenever you pass a ladies restroom you always hear laughter and giggling and all kinds of frivolity. Take it from me, there is no frivolity in the men’s room. Just urinal cakes and this strange green soap that looks like slime from YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON TELEVISION.

Speaking of which, YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON TELEVISION is another YouTube spectacle. An awful Canadian show with teenagers in that awkward puberty stage trying to do sketch comedy. Yo, Carol Burnett, you can rest easy – you’re still the queen!

Speaking of which, is there any greater joy in life than watching Tim Conway try to make Harvey Corman crack up on THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW? I think not! Maybe Turkey Hill coconut cream pie ice cream topped with Hershey’s syrup. But it’s a very close call!

Wow, guys, I’m really sorry! I’ve been doing all this yakking and I’m out of room and have to end my blog. If I go too long, Editor Borgstede makes me do burpees until I pass out – that usually happens after four of them! She’s a regular Miranda Priestley! And if you don’t know how that is you need to rent THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. Very entertaining. I love Meryl!

OK, I’m done. I promise! Happy Fourth of July! Please be careful! I hate fireworks so I will be hiding inside watching reruns of 30 ROCK on Netflix while trying to convince the dogs that fireworks aren’t the gun shots of burglars trying to break into the house and steal their Kibbles ‘n’ Bits.

Kibbles ‘n’ Bits! Hey, just like This ‘n’ That! This blog has an arc! How exciting!

OK, for real, I’m done. Bye!