Picture Perfect

by Jeff Marshall

Some days the words just aren’t there.

It’s been a really long week. I do realize I say that around this time every week, but this time it’s TRUE. Really! TRUE!

I’ve been fighting a small bug or virus the last few days – bad headache, zero energy, bad attitude… A couple days ago, the dogs managed to rip through my window screen and chase Bambi or some other forest creature through the dead of night. They were gone for hours and hours, finally coming home soaking wet after I had an anxiety attack imagining every monstrosity that could have become them.

On top of that the house is a mess, I haven’t balanced my checkbook, the garden is full of weeds, Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom are fighting again… The list goes on. Not to mention the last can of pop in the refrigerator was orange when I really, really wanted cream soda. When it rains, it pours…

So after struggling to find a topic for this week’s blog, I decided to share with you my life in pictures – after all, a picture IS worth a thousand words. I hope you enjoy the thoughts in my head brought to vivid life through the miracle of photography…

So we are getting ready to have a rummage sale in a couple weeks. I especially enjoy having these sales because I love spending the time with my family – cleaning, setting up, pricing, negotiating, selling, throwing people out who aren’t buying enough of our junk… We will often go to auctions to get stuff for the sales. Auctions are awesome because you can buy boxes and boxes of crud for a couple bucks. And there’s always a great item or two hiding in the bottom of one of the boxes that makes everything worth it! That being said, there’s ALSO always an item or two hiding in the bottom of one of the boxes that makes you question reality! This picture is one of those items. In the name of all that is good and right, who would make this? Who would buy this? Who wants a small barefooted child stuck in a jar to display on their mantlepiece? And why isn’t this munchkin wearing his shoe? And how did he get in the bottle to begin with? All questions that I will ponder till the day I enter those pearly gates.

So I was perusing the dollar store recently waiting for my eldest niece to finish trying on every item of clothing in her size at Plato’s Closet, when I came across this novelty! I can’t believe I have lived 41 years, 4 months, and 24 days without ever having the great, good fortune of owning fashion batteries. FASHION BATTERIES?! What Einstein came up with this concept!? I can just imagine the pitch meeting at Bad Ideas, Inc. “OK, gentlemen, we have to reach out to the kids – we have to hit the youth market! And what is it that the young people of today are wanting? I’ll tell you what they’re wanting – leopard skin AAs to put in their Easy Bake Ovens and Atari video games!” PUH-LEEZE!

So I was trying to think of a creative punishment for the dogs after pulling their Shawshank Redemption escape earlier in the week. I didn’t want to be cruel, but I wanted them to remember the consequences of their actions. So, naturally, I decided to make them wear my winter apparel while I took embarrassing photos of them to show the neighbors and the mailman. I think the lesson has been learned! I especially loved Woodstock’s picture on top – he looks like a Russian grandmother. He could be auditioning for FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. And before I hear complaints from all you PETA members out there, the dogs were not harmed during the photo session, with the possible exception of their dignity.

And last but not least, look what I dug up! This is a picture of your high queen mistress herself, Sara Borgstede, and yours truly enjoying time together at a church picnic on June 4, 1978. I was five and she was four. God bless my grandmother, may she rest in peace. She took all kinds of pictures when we were growing up and labeled them with dates and locations and all that good stuff. I have albums and albums full of this stuff – good for future blackmailing. I love, love, love this picture because it contains two things I love more than life itself – Mrs. Borgstede and ice cream. And, that my friends, is a picture worth a thousand words!

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