by Jeff Marshall

Jeff Marshall, humor

“You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life…”

No, we don’t have Benjamin Franklin or Mark Twain to credit for this incredibly deep statement. We have to credit Tootie Ramsey and the students of the Eastland School for Girls for this truly deep insight into life.

Today I begin the first in a (hopefully) recurring series I will be calling PROS AND CONS, taking a look at the positives and negatives of life from my warped and wacky point of view of the world in general.

Today, I take a look at “both sides now” – credit to Judy Collins – at being 40 (OK 41, if you have to be picky) and single. As with all things in this crazy, topsy turvy thing we call real life, there’s positives and negatives, good things and bad things, PROS AND CONS.

PRO: I don’t have to buy new underwear. I can hang on to my two threads barely hanging on to a strip of elastic as long as I want. They may look like a gang of moths have eaten them to their core, but they’re comfortable, by golly, and I’m going to hang on to them until they disintegrate into oblivion.

CON: Many of my single friends who end up getting married disappear never to be heard from again. My guess is that once the “I do’s” are pronounced, they travel to the land of Matrimonia, which I understand is just north of Zimbabwe, where they take a vow never to socialize with the lowly single people of the world again, with the exception of an occasional text and Christmas card.

PRO: Knowing my luck, if I were ever to get married, I would fall in love with a girl named Heather, and our combined “Bennifer” name would end up being “Heffer”. I would never subject another human being to this horrible moniker, no matter how deep the love ran.

CON: The Internal Revenue Service, in their infinite “wisdom”, do not consider dogs as dependents. I consider this to be a travesty, and I plan to make my feelings known to my local congressmen.

PRO: Every meal prepared does not have to be shared. I can eat the Hamburger Helper directly out of the pan in which it was prepared, and I don’t have to share a single spoonful. As a result, my plates remain clean and spotless in the cabinet, which saves a lot of wear and tear on my dishwasher, which adds to the value of my house, which adds to my checking account when I eventually sell it.

CON: If something breaks or cracks or falls off the wall or shatters or splinters or fractures or fragments or smashes, I have no one to blame but myself.

PRO: I can stay up till two in the morning, I can go to bed at eight at night, I can stay in bed till noon, I can watch a twelve hour marathon of PAWN STARS, I can wear white socks with sandals, and no explanations or excuses required.

CON: I have to clean the toilets, put away the laundry, wash the windows, pay the bills, mop the floors, and alphabetize the videos all by myself. Believe me, I have tried to train the dogs, but some things are beyond even their realm of ability.

So, when all is said and done, I have repeat once again, with the voice of Mrs. Garrett in the back of my head, “you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life…”

Until the next time, my friends…

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