Update! See the results from this blog post here.
From your sister-in-law who gives you parenting advice about your medically fragile child, to the soccer coach who rolls his eyes when your child wanders off the field yet again, to the stranger who gives you dirty looks in the check out line — do you often feel people in your life just do not GET IT when it comes to your child with special needs?
To parents of children with special needs: this is your chance to provide understanding.
People often ask me, as a mom of children with special needs, questions such as these:
- Why do so many more children these days have special needs? It wasn’t like this when my kids were little.
- How can I help? I’m not sure if it’s rude to offer my assistance.
- What can I say that won’t be offensive?
People do want to help, but they aren’t sure how. It’s a good sign people are asking these questions! This shows they care.
Parents, please answer this question:
If you could say anything to people about what it’s like to parent a child with special needs, what would it be?
Please share your responses in the comments section. I will tally responses and share them in a future blog and on my website. I’ll also be using them in future presentations I give, How to Minister to Families of Special Needs Children. Thank you for sharing in order to create more awareness and understanding!
Update! Click here to see the results from this blog post.
What I want is people to not say ANYTHING when my asd child is having a meltdown. Please no advice, no sympathy, no comments of any kind. Nothing you can say will make me feel better about the situation.
Now, I have had people offer to help me, which is embarrassing, but sometimes I have to swallow my pride and accept help. You want to help me pry my kicking screaming child off the swing? Well okay, let’s do this. You want entertain my other toddler while I handle his sibling’s meltdown? Please.
Also, please spare me the stories about your friend’s son’s friend, or other distant acquaintance who has autism. I appreciate your attempt to relate, but you have no idea.
Thanks so much for sharing, Michelle. It’s so tough when your child has a rage in public, isn’t it? I’ve been there many times. It doesn’t make it better, but at least know you aren’t alone. I wrote this post about it. See if you agree with these tips or not: https://theholymess.com/help-mom-kid-raging-public/
Sara–I don’t have a child with special needs, but I have friends who do, and I would definitely like to learn how to help them more and pray for them more! I can’t even imagine what it must be like as parenting alone is such a challenge. I can imagine that Messy Mom is right that it adds another full time job to an already full time job. Just know that there are moms out there who have compassion, want to seek understanding, desire to help, and are definitely praying for you!
Blessings-
Christine
Thank you for your kindness and concern, Christine! Your caring means so much to many parents. I will compile these answers and the many I received on FB and put out a blog with responses soon.
It is OK to ask if I need help. It is not OK to tell me how to parent my child. This goes triple about suggesting I hit him, yell at him, or “put him in timeout.”
It is OK to ask about autism. It is not OK to suggest I do something to “cure” him, or tell me about the latest fad woo you heard about.
If it is rude to do something to a non-special-needs person, it is likely rude for a special needs person. Staring is rude. Making ugly comments is rude. Muttering under your breath about someone is rude. Using derogatory terms to refer to someone is rude.
If someone else is offering help, don’t criticize them for what they offer. It is OK to make a counter-offer or co-offer that you think more appropriate. The parent or guardian will take the offer they need, and can turn down unwanted assistance for themselves.
Be practical and pragmatic. If you have a friend with a special needs loved one, offer things you might like done if you were tired, very busy, and overwhelmed. Offers for cooking, cleaning, and respite are usually very welcome, even if they are refused. Offers for just listening and hanging out are usually very welcome, even if it never happens.
Thanks so much for sharing, joeymom! These are great suggestions and I will use them for my future sharing. May God bless you in parenting your wonderful child.
This is what I always say. “Motherhood itself is a full time job, having a special needs child is another full-time job on top of that.”
Amen to that! Beautiful way of explaining it, Messy Mom! Thank you for sharing and promoting understanding.
“See the way you’re staring at us right now? It’s okay….everyone else is too”
“Yes, he does have two heads…and they simultaneously rage…careful now…don’t get too close…He might bite…no really..he bites”
“Yes, I’m sure if I only spanked him more he wouldn’t have meltdowns”
“No…autism is not contagious”
“I’m not a terrible parent by ignoring this meltdown…I suppose the 3,978th meltdown just isn’t as loud as they used to be”
“yes…that’s my kid!”
to the horrified toddler parent on the playground…
“I know my 8 yr old child is four times your baby’s size… And you think he is mocking your tiny toddler with his baby talk…honestly.. He is just trying to relate to his peers”
“No I don’t see a problem with him wearing pajama shorts, cowboy boots and a cape to the store. At least he dressed himself”
“keep staring. I guarantee peer pressure won’t make him take that thumb out of his mouth”
“yes. You really must bring an unbroken hotdog…. I’m sorry but it’s a matter of life and death”
“I understand this is a baby playground…can’t we just all get along!?”
“yes….your one year old daughter really did just send my 8 yr old into hysteria by hitting him”
“he wont cooperate in therapy today because you’re making him wear socks”
“he’s not pulling your hair sweetheart…He just liked how soft it is…it’s a compliment ”
“please Coach..He won’t run the bases unless I run with him”
“look lady…You can either let me give him a sip of water or listen to the resulting meltdown when he thinks you mean ‘ no food or drinks ‘ EVER again”
“please don’t joke that you’re going to hug/squeeze him to death/pieces…He believes you”
“if I have to tell him that lost Legos find their way to a magical land called Legoland..even when they fall in the toilet…then that is my prerogative”
“The cricket was his best friend…Why would you feed a cricket to a praying mantis in front of him?”
“yes, spiders and wasps are his best friends too and if he brings them inside, it is best to just play along…killing one would be unforgivable ”
“if I have to hear one more story about your second cousins wife sisters daughters best friends aunt who knew a guy……”
“watching ‘Rain man’ does not make you an expert”
“I’ve never even read Jennifer McCarthys book…”
“No, he doesn’t need meds”
“lay a finger on my kid.. I promise to break them all”
“I’m positive he is not possessed”
“I warned you he would bite…”
“So what if he still loves Dora..?! ”
“gluten-free means no wheat!!!!! flour tortillas are not gluten free!!! ”
I know these probably aren’t helpful but I’m sure other moms can relate to things we want to say sometimes!!! Lol
((HUGS)) Jessica. It’s not easy, is it?! (That’s an understatement.) Thank you for sharing these as it gives a bit of a glimpse into what your days are like and helps create understanding and hopefully — empathy and awareness.