by Jeff Marshall

Jeff Marshall, humor

Like so many of you out there, I have struggled with my weight since I was a fetus! I have lost and gained the same weight over and over again so many times, I have given each pound its own name. “Goodbye, Iriving – I’m sure I’ll see you again in a few weeks.”

My genetic pool is filled with gravy and cream cheese. The sound of a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips being opened is like a symphony. As the late, great comedienne Totie Fields once said: “Happiness is finding out that a banana cream pie is only seven calories – and a hunk of lettuce is 2,000!”.

All that being said, after months and months of research, I have come across a few solutions that I share only with my fellow BALANCING IN THE HOLY MESS readers. These are three simple foolproof methods, gang, and I am not charging you 4 easy installments of $19.95, unless you feel the need to give!

“I told myself I need to get ripped – unfortunately the only part of me that listened was my pants!”

The first thing you need to do is throw out every mirror in the house.  Take them suckers and put them in the garbage or add them to the rummage sale boxes or donate them to a charity of your choosing.  Once discarded, gather up the friends and family and visit your nearest carnival or circus.  Be sure to drive a large vehicle with plenty of trunk space.  Once you arrive, head directly to the funhouse area – I know it will be hard to run past the cotton candy stands and funnel cake vendors, but you must prioritize!  You will eventually find a wonderful series of mirrors that distorts your body in all kinds of odd shapes and sizes.  I guarantee you’ll find at least 2 or 3 mirrors that will make you look pencil thin!  Without a moment’s hesitation, grab the mirrors that make you look svelte, run like you’re chasing an ice cream truck, and put them babies all over your house.  Make sure you put one in the bathroom by the shower – this is a must!

The next thing you need to do is rent a 1981 movie called The Incredible Shrinking Woman with Lily Tomlin. This is one of my very favorite movies from childhood. I literally think I’ve seen it at least 25 or 30 times.  Besides being an amazingly fun movie, the filmmakers also introduce a brilliant idea for body fulfillment.  You’ll notice that as our main protagonist becomes smaller and smaller, everything around her becomes bigger and bigger.  It’s so obvious, isn’t it?!  Invest in a 10 foot tall couch, put 8 king size beds together, get rid of Fluffy the chihuahua and find the biggest, fattest Saint Bernard you can imagine!  It’s all relative, people – it’s all relative!  Repeat after me:  Surround yourself with larger than life, and you don’t have to put down the fork and the knife!

“I thought the old 80s song PHYSICAL would be an awesome song to which I could exercise; but every time Olivia Newton-John sang the line “let me hear your body talk”, my body said “NOOOOOO!”

Finally, and possibly most importantly, we have to program our minds to accept four certain facts of life:

  1. The dryer really can shrink your pants,  sometimes up to six sizes.
  2. It has been proven that you can deduct 25 pounds from the scale if you’re wearing shoes – even flip flops!
  3. If you cross your toes, wrinkle your nose, and stand on your head while you’re eating, all calories disappear.  (I wouldn’t recommend doing this in public restaurants.)
  4. Elastic is our friend.

“In the olden days, the size of a man’s girth was a sign of nobility and good breeding.  I always knew I was born in the wrong time!”

So, my friends, good luck on the journey!  Keep your heads held high and your eyes toward the prize, and always remember – Little Debbie wouldn’t steer us wrong!

If you liked today’s post, you might also enjoy Does Bob Saget Eat Yummy Veggies While Making U-Turns After Changing His Toilet Paper?


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