by Jeff Marshall
I think almost all of us have had battles with the bulge from time to time. If you haven’t, you don’t exist to me, and you can stop reading now.
I remember around third grade I started getting a little chunky. By fourth grade I was pure chunkification personified.
Junior high? I’ve blocked it out.
In high school, I got a very severe case of mono, which helped me eventually drop about 70 pounds. Since then, it’s been more ups and downs than a Fort Lauderdale elevator during Spring Break.
Unfortunately, as of this writing, I’m again leaning more toward chunky than smooth – which my peanut butter analogy should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. I’m a tank! I wear a yellow shirt and people try to board me!
So, it’s back to the old drawing board – trying to convince myself that getting out of bed is not a form of exercise, that the dryer can’t be shrinking my trousers THAT much, and that my late night snacks cannot be considered as extremely early breakfasts.
Lily Tomlin commented a long time ago how upset she was that we had the garment industry to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth. I would like to steal that idea from Ms. Tomlin and suggest that it would have come in really handy for weight loss, too!
With that in mind, I’d like to share with you my…
Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Lose Some Weight
by Jeff Marshall
10. You cut your finger and gravy comes out.
9. You have TWO smiley faces – one from ear to ear and the other between your stomach and your waist.
8. Instead of counting sheep to go to sleep, you count lamb chops.
7. You’re mistaken on the street for Siamese twins.
6. You notice you have the exact same bulges as the body builders you see on TV, but the bulges are in the exact opposite places.
5. Instead of boarding the Amtrak, you board the Panda Express.
4. Getting out of bed requires a crane, a tow truck, and two construction workers named Troy and Little Joe.
3. You have to add an extension cord to your belt.
2. The four seasons are not winter, spring, summer, and fall, but salt, pepper, garlic, and oregano.
1. You scream at the microwave for taking so long.
The good news, my friends, is that we can make the change! And I’m not talking about the change you get when you pay for your KFC with a twenty dollar bill.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
Minute rice and mozzarella cheese casserole.
And fried shrimp.
With chocolate sauce…