by Jeff Marshall
I gotta tell you the truth, kids, it’s getting increasingly more difficult to share my sense of humor with you when we keep losing these wonderful sources of humor. I just found out a couple hours ago about Joan Rivers passing away – between her and Robin Williams it’s been a rough season for us laughers. But the show must go on – they would want it that way!
Today I would like to share with you three trends in today’s culture I’m finding very unsettling. Some have been around since my dad was a boy – a couple hundred years – and some I’ve noticed rearing their ugly heads very recently – and hopefully temporarily. Although at least they give me something to gripe about…
1) GOVERNMENT STUDIES – So I turn on the morning news today as I fall out of bed and hear Good Morning America tell me that breakfast is NOT the most important meal of the day after all. HUH?! So THAT’S my problem!! Actually, that’s a lie – I have never been a breakfast eater. But I digress. My point is that I’m a little tired of these government studies which tell us on Monday that oat bran will save your life and on Thursday that it will kill you. I’m so confused! Nevertheless, it gives me a great excuse not to exercise – perhaps a government study will tell me tomorrow that exercise is BAD for you. I don’t want to do anything that would be harmful to my health!! Incidentally, I am volunteering for the next government study starting very soon – we’re going to discover if eating Cheetos and drinking a YooHoo at 3:00 in the morning is actually the newest method for safe, effective weight loss. The sacrifices I make for my country!
2) CUTESY WOOTSY SPELLINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY INCORRECT AND CONFUSING TO YOUNG PEOPLE LEARNING TO SPELL AND FOREIGNERS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERY THAT WE CALL THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE – Need I say anything further? This has always been a pet peeve of mine but it seems to be trending more often lately. I tend to notice the worst offenders are little small town mom and pop shops you’d find Aunt Bee visiting in Mayberry. Konnie’s Kreations. Karen’s Kookies. Kristopher’s Krafts. Cathy’s Citchen. Karla’s Karefree Kamping Koolers and Live Bait Dealership. ENOUGH!! I’ll tell you this much – if I had a kid, and he misspelled a word because he saw it on the sign of a store, I would sue said store and make them pay for every bit of his schooling – and my child, of course, would be going to graduate school, law school, and medical school. And then I would open my own store called Jeff’s Kash!
3) FOOTSIES – No, I’m not talking about what young teenagers in love do under the dining room table while eating their mashed potatoes and gravy in front of their fuddy duddy parents. This is a term that I invented. It refers to the horribly disturbing trend of people taking “selfies” of their feet and putting them on social media. I’m not sure what’s going on lately, kids, but I can’t go a day on Facebook without seeing someone’s feet – in the sand at the beach, on a lounging chair by the pool, at the pedicure place, etc etc etc. People, this must stop! If God wanted me to see your feet, He wouldn’t have invented shoes. Regular readers know that I already have an aversion to “selfies” in general, but these “footsies” are a whole other kettle of fish.
So, readers, it’s not fair for me to do all the work – I want to hear from you!
What are some trends you see out there in the world lately that are driving you to the edge of insanity? Let me hear ’em! Comment below.
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