I wrote this entry in my journal while I was working through my recovery from my addiction to food, compulsive overeating, and binge eating. That time in therapy led to my weight loss of over 100 pounds. (Read the complete story of my 100 pound weight loss in my series of blog posts here.)
Even though this was written well over a decade ago, this is highly personal and the first time I’ve felt ready to share it.
If you struggle with overeating, undereating, or have ever felt out of control with food, I share this for you so you know you aren’t alone, and to give you hope.
For many years I felt hopeless. I was sure these problems would be life-long for me, but they were not. Help and hope are available.
This journal entry was a turning point in my recovery.
My Hunger is a Monster
My hunger is a monster trapped inside my chest. It’s in my belly but mostly it’s in my heart. It gets stronger, fiercer, angrier, if I don’t feed it more and more. I can’t deny its existence or it will devour the inside of me. I must give it what it needs.
I am tired, so, so tired and exhausted from holding this back. I feel ready to release the monster of hunger, even if it means eating everything in sight forever and gaining 200 pounds. Fighting it is eating ME away on the inside.
I am confronting the monster…I open the closet door and see…nothing?!
But then I see, there, huddled in the corner is a little girl, my little girl, my little Sara, my little Princess.
She is a mess — her face is swollen from crying, her hair is a messy tangle. How many years has she been throwing these temper tantrums, begging to get out, begging to be fed? Not just fed, but really taken care of and nurtured?
I kneel down beside her. She’s huddled up, trying to hide and look very small. I stare at her intently.
This is the monster?
She is the one who I have feared?
Watching her, I love her so much and want to take care of her forever. Gently I brush away some of her hair from her cheek. I tell her, “It’s my turn to take care of you now. I’m going to make sure you are fed with what you need. Not just food, but love affection, comfort, and support. You don’t need to go hungry. You are safe here.”
I gather my little girl into my arms and hold her close.
I’ve discovered that my monster is the part of me begging for nurturing.
I have the strength to nurture myself and get well. I don’t need to be afraid.
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