In an effort to educate and bring awareness to the struggle of attachment issues, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and helping children heal from early childhood trauma, over the next months I’ll be sharing stories of families on my website.
For the sake of privacy I’ve changed names and all descriptive details, but let me assure you these are completely real. This story is of Chelsea and Anthony, 14 years old. In Chelsea’s own words, this is Living with RAD: There is Not Enough Love to Fix a Broken Soul.
Please read this with ultimate compassion.
–Sara
If you are a family with a similar life situation and would like to contribute to this series, click here. 
Living with RAD: There is Not Enough Love to Fix a Broken Soul
Chelsea shares:
When Anthony Came
Anthony came into our lives at 5 1/2 years old.
He was initially excited about being adopted, asking when he could have an “L” name like his brothers. The adoption was finalized shortly after Anthony turned 7. He was brought into our lives by a close family friend who, after 3 months, decided she no longer wanted him.
Recognizing the Signs
Anthony was initially so sweet and kind, but even at 6 years old, I noticed he acted different with me than everyone else.
Anthony was charming with other people while cold, calculating and manipulative with me.
By 10 years old, we had to put padlocks on his brothers’ bedroom doors.
Anothony stole and lied. He claimed abuse from me. It was only six months ago, when he was 13 1/2 years old, that we were given the RAD diagnosis.
How to Deal with Behavior
Anthony has been diagnosed with Language Processing Disorder, Visual Processing Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I feel that all of those diagnoses are accurate and think he is also ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and has PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
We’ve tried behavior modification therapy, play therapy and talk therapy. We’ve tried classic discipline strategies like grounding and taking away favorite possessions.
We’ve successfully parented two other boys, now 21 and 18. To be honest, doing the polar opposite with Anthony than we did with them has been the most marginally successful.
Having dad be the “point man” has worked best. If there is ill behavior, I discuss it with my husband, we come up with a plan, and dad executes it.
Utilizing natural consequences at every opportunity is also successful. We’ve also begun “calling him out” on his behavior as well as bringing it back around to him so he learns to face the consequences of his actions.
A Day in the Life
Our typical day starts with dad waking Anthony for school and me staying out of the way until he leaves for school.
After school, those of us who are at home try not to initiate communication with him. We’ll engage if he initiates conversation, but mostly we stay out of his way. It is a lot like walking on eggshells, never knowing what moment will be “the one”.
What I Wish People Knew About RAD
There are two distinct things that I wish people understood.
I wish they understood that, more often than not, there isn’t enough love to fix these broken souls. We just want to show our children love and affection. Our hearts break everyday when we remember back to the beginning, gazing into their little eyes, thinking we could make them happy.
Secondly, I wish everyone understood the definitions and signs of manipulation and triangulation.
Lacking Friends
Our son is 14 years old. He has absolutely no friends.
He calls everyone his “friend” but rarely knows their names. He’s never invited to their homes. He’s almost incapable of acting like a 14-year-old boy yet loves to interject himself in every adult situation.
Would I Adopt Again?
I often ponder if I would choose this route again. We weren’t looking to adopt. He was thrust into our lives.
We did what we thought was right.
More days than not, I say NO, I would not do this again. My two biological sons have essentially had their childhoods hijacked. They have suffered manipulation at its finest, and I missed what it was doing to them because I was just trying to survive.
If those were the only factors at play, then that is when the answer is a resounding NO.
However, six years after adopting Antony, we received a call asking if we would take his biological half sister who had just been born. So, if we would have said NO to him, we would never have gotten her.
She comes with her own baggage even as a newborn. In-utero drug use is a nightmare. But she has been the reward for us putting up with all of Anthony’s behavior. We’re absolutely smitten with her and she with us.
However, she is now three, and my husband and I are nearing 50 years old. Our youngest biological child just graduated high school. So, just like RAD put us in a position to not fit in with the typical family friends, we now are raising the equivalent of a grandchild while all our family friends are enjoying empty nests.
We Need More Help
I wish people understood that attachment issues are a “wiring” problem in the brain, although many times the behavior is attacking and feels like it is a choice our son is making deliberately.
This is not a choice our child has made. He cannot control it or change it. He can usually only learn to manage it.
I also wish people would see it for what it is – an abusive relationship.
I wish people would take a moment to look at the big picture and see me for the mom and person I am.
I’m the same mom who successfully raised two biological sons. I’m the same mom who loves all kids.
I wish people would be less accusatory and judgmental. I wish they had listened and been witness to the things happening rather than dismissing me and making me feel crazy.
Since our diagnosis is fairly new, a little bit of time to grieve would be nice. I need time to heal from this abusive relationship.
I, too, am now suffering. Prior to Anthony, I was diagnosed with depression but managed it well. Now I not only suffer from depression, but also anxiety and secondary PTSD.
It would be significantly helpful if the insurance companies, county, schools and general public would help us get the help we need before Anthony has completely destroyed us and our families, both physically and emotionally.
It would also be helpful if the counties in which these kids were in foster care would train their social workers in RAD. All children in the foster care system should be assessed for RAD. I feel like our lives could have taken a much smoother path had we known about RAD right from the start, instead of 9 years in.
Where I Am Today
Aside from the aforementioned effects RAD has had on our family, it is significant to add that it feels as though the rest of us are all merely holding our breaths and biding time until he turns 18, which is not a fun or healthy way to live.
There are positives. I grew up as an only child. Four of my sisters died shortly after birth, and I have always wanted a big family. I have four children now, so my chances of having a large family are looking pretty good.
I also like to learn. So, all this learning I have been doing with all our diagnoses is somewhat of a positive. I just really never wanted to live these lessons.
In a life with RAD, the answer to “how are you doing?” is constantly changing. I wish that someone understood that there are days when a mom just needs a break, but ironically sending a child with RAD to someone else’s house, while nice initially, comes with anxiety over what he will do while there. It is an exhausting way of life.
The Future
Sadly, unless there are some major changes, I see Anthony dropping out of school at 18 years old and leaving home with some “unsavory” friends. I foresee a future of multiple stressful and broken relationships for him.
I am hoping he never becomes physically abusive, but the emotional and psychological abuse will not serve him well.
I am hoping that he remembers how much love and support we poured into him.
Are you living life with a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)? Share in the comments below.
More Posts You Will Love
Living with RAD: I Still Love Him and I Would Not Wish This Life On Anyone
Attachment Issues: When Family Life is Not Working
I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
Thank you for sharing this. We have an adopted 5 year old with RAD, ADHD, ODD, and a mood disorder. He has been with us since he was 3 years old, and we have experienced the same things. I am the target of the abuse, manipulation, yelling, threatening, etc. He doesn’t seem to do these things when my husband is around. Although he has started to get physically violent with our two daughters, which leads us to believe he has developed a core value of females being submissive under male authority. We fear for the future, we fear for safety, we are concerned about his ability to switch from outburst to “everything is fine” suddenly. I am so weary.
Raychal, I’m so sorry for what your family is going through. God bless you for caring for your son. I can tell you are an amazing mom. I know it’s extremely difficult and most people don’t get it. If you haven’t yet, be sure to sign up for this email series: https://theholymess.com/10-traits-you-must-have-to-parent-kids-from-hard-places/ A lot of parents have told me it’s been very helpful for them.
I long to comfort both Chelsea and Susan Jennings (first comment), but have no wisdom to share. But I know One who does.
Father God, I thank you for these women who are willing to share their difficult stories for the benefit of others. I thank you for their willingness to take in orphans and love them as their own. I ask you, Lord, as the only one who truly can, to lavish them with comfort and healing for themselves, their families, and their sons with RAD. I ask my sisters of faith to join me in lifting them up before You asking for Your mighty and merciful spiritual and physical healing in all their lives, according to Your will. I also ask Your blessings on the families of those who read this article and love someone with RAD. I ask these things in the powerful name of the Only begotten Son who has enough love to fix ALL our broken souls!
Pam, thank you for this beautiful prayer! Sara
You could be writing my families stories if I had not known better. Our RAD sons were thrust upon us also, we have 4 bio kids and one adopted son age 17 that we got at birth that also were hijacked/ robbed of their childhood, I have often said they were robbed but when I read the term you used “hijacked” the term was very fitting. Our bio daughter worked very hard to get scholarships and at age 17 left home after graduation to “escape” our RADS and all the commotion. I was often blamed as the “instigator ” by my children, DRS,teachers,relatives,and husband because our RAD son always manipulated and triangulated ….insinuating to everyone I was the one with the problem, that I was unfair, mean to him. Now as adults my kids all say they now know they were wrong, my one son always said he was phsycho and had tendencies of a psychopath…but I thought he was exaggerating cause he was about 13-14 teen when RAD came to live with us. I now know that things he was telling me he had read on internet after studying RADs behaviors and looking it up….he was spot on and all the things he told me came true , they just did not have the diagnosis of RAD ten years ago when he first started exhibiting the behaviors. Luckily all our bio kids are very successful and close to us, reassuring us that it all made them “stronger” and they hold no ill feelings for what they endured. It did effect the other two boys we adopted tho, one right before we adopted the RAD, same age that spent most time with RAD son also exhibits a lot of his manipulation behaviors, prob because he has RAD also as he was 5 and badly neglected when we got him and because he also is mildly autistic and MR so learns by imatation and therefore imitated a lot of RADs actions, esp the lies, stealing, manipulation and blaming me for any issues,etc. But like you we do have a success story with our 17yr old son we adopted at birth. He is our “sunshine” ,suffered in uterus like your daughter, born 2 mos premature, w mild CP from lack of oxygen, spent first two years in hospitals w apnea, RSV,pertussis,seizures, surgeries,but now looks very close to normal. He is a senior, drives,works part time and is a joy, protects us, helps us daily as we are in our 60’s , both on disability, me from injuries related to my job as a social worker, client was disoriented and fell on me, breaking a cervical disc and ruptured my lower disc. My husband suffered depression, same as you described and has COPD from lung cancer that he beat in 2000 by having his lower right lobe removed surgically. We finally had to have both boys legally removed from our home, one 6 months ago, severe RAD and one just recently about 1 month ago …both are 16 and have been in and out of RTF placements, therapeutic foster homes, Phych hospitals for the last 3 years. All because of their violence and aggression mostly toward me, some toward older 17 sibling because he tries to protect me and others. Now we had to get a lawyer and are fighting CYS and the juvinelle system because they want to send them back home with ankle bracelets on to monitor them! We refuse and our adult children want us to literally leave the country or at least the state. So beware when they can’t manipulate anymore they become violent and smart.
And by smart I mean they learn to “work the legal system ” the caseworkers and the doctors. They read and are read their “rights” after age 14 they can choose to admit themselves into hospitals, play on the sympathy of the drs., nurses, caseworkers, judges, and lawyers… they can refuse treatments, not allow you to know or talk to doctors, caseworkers, ect. Also police are VERY reluctant to arrest them and say, “when they are minors it’s a mental health issue, not a legal issue” therefore will not arrest them or transport them even after they knock you out or send you to ER with injuries.
HUGS to you, Susan. What an incredibly difficult life situation. I’m so glad to hear you have received support from your other children. God bless all of your family.