- You Are Not Alone (with Depression & Anxiety)
- Depression Does Not Define You
- What Does Depression Look Like?
- 10 Encouraging Bible Verses to Ease Depression
- Navigating Tough Parenting of Teens: When Your Daughter Wants to Dye Her Hair Blue
- How to Manage Depression and Chronic Pain
- Truths About Depression: Stuff You Don’t Want to Hear
- I Got Punched in the Face This Weekend
- Straight Talk About How to Survive Heartbreaking Grief
- For a Day When You Need Motivation
- Sometimes Grief Comes From Unexpected Places
- For Parents of a Teen Who Had a Near Miss
- 10 Simple Ways to Bring Creativity to Your Life
- A Depression Solution: Speak!
- Q & A with a Therapist about Depression
- 4 Realistic Steps to Motivation When You Are Depressed {Based on Research!)
- 101 Ways to Get in a Good Mood When Depressed
- Is it Okay to Avoid Pain?
- How Can I Serve If I’m Depressed?
- Do You Have Angry Depression?
- A Room Full of Love: Thoughts After a Loved One’s Suicide
- Top 5 Offbeat I’m Depressed and Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now Movies
- What You Need to Know about Postpartum Depression
- Why You Need More Mental Flexibility
- How To Stop Stress Eating
- How to Exercise When You Don’t Feel Like It – 10 Workout Motivation Tips
- A Cure for Panic Attacks: The Potato Chip Method
- Can’t Sleep? Read This at 3:00 AM (When Depression Causes Insomnia)
- Secondary Traumatic Stress: How I Found Healing
- You Were Set Free For a Reason: A Daily Devotion about Freedom in Christ
- If You Write, Please Read This. (Plus, a FREE GIFT for All!)
Are you navigating a tough parenting situation with your teenager? Are they rebellious, stubborn, or have you worried? Read how we managed with our teen daughter.
By Kiersten (age 17) and Sara (age *the mother*) Borgstede
When our daughter Kiersten was 13 and in the 8th grade, she started BEGGING us to dye her hair blue. My first reaction was “No way, Jose,” and figured that would be the end of that conversation.
When Our Daughter Wanted to Dye Her Hair Blue (And Other Worrisome Behaviors)
To me, having a child with a head of hair that was totally blue was right up there with kids who get a head full of piercings to the point that when they take a drink, fluids come out of them like a sieve. They stay out all night doing bad things of which we don’t speak.
Not my child.
And — not that I care what people think, but since it went through my head multiple times, obvious I do — what would the church members think?
Yet she was relentless.
We talked to her about first impressions, and how what others think of us shouldn’t matter, but it really does matter. We allowed her to dye the tips of her hair blue, hoping that would be the end of it. It wasn’t.
Finally, we decided it was, after all, just hair. We would allow it AFTER CONFIRMATION. The hour we came home from her Confirmation, she was up in the bathroom with a bottle of dye in hand, turning her hair, splotches of my sink and several of my towels, blue.
Check out my video story of it here:
I thought this would be a passing phase, but no. Kiersten is now 17 and her hair has continued to change colors on a consistent basis over the last 5 years.
Why is my daughter so incessant about this change to her looks? What should you do if your teenager has the same desire?
I decided the best person to answer these questions is Kiersten herself.
An Interview with Kiersten (17 years Old)
Q: What is so important to you about changing your hair color?
Kiersten: Changing my hair color is important to me because I wanted to change something that isn’t permanent and can be reversed. It’s a way of expressing my emotions of that time.
Q: What would you say to parents who do not allow their teens to change their hair color?
K: I respect your decision, but I do think it’s something that can easily be changed back. It’s a way for your teen to express themselves without doing bad things.
Q: What are some of the reactions you have gotten from adults about your hair? How do other teens react?
K: Teens all like my hair. “Cool hair,” is a comment.
Younger adults are positive. One adult said I looked like something from Dr. Suess as a joke. I thought that was funny. Older ladies at our church love my hair and are always asking when I’m going to dye my hair again.
At a job interview with the city I asked if it was okay if I had different colors of hair, and she said it was fine and I still got the job. I had blond and purple hair at the time.
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Q: You are also into darker clothing. Does it go along with changing your hair color or is that a separate thing?
K: It goes along with hair color. I like to be colorful and have contrast. If I have dark colors on top with my hair, I wear lighter clothes. If I have lighter hair, I like to wear all darker clothes.
Q: Are your hair and clothing colors an expression of your feelings?
K: Yes, I always try to match my colors to my mood. When I was depressed, I wore all black and had black hair. That is something you do need to watch out for with teens. Their colors express how they feel. The darker the colors, it’s a good chance the more down they are feeling. (Blacks and browns, not necessarily dark blue. I love to wear dark blue because it’s beautiful but I am not depressed when I wear it.)
Q: Explain “Emo” and what that means in general, and what it means to you personally.
K: “Emo” is short for “Emotional.” What most people think it is has to do with depression, cutting, suicide and hating yourself. It does correlate with those things extremely closely. Emo is all black. It is a very steep road to be on if you are depressed. You get sucked into things. It’s important to know what you are in there for and what you want out of it.
The way I see it, Emo means I express my emotions on the outside. Emo is closely related to Goth, and Goth is an art style. It was an art style before it was a clothing style.
I do not classify myself as Emo now. For about 4 years I saw myself as Emo and I was probably depressed off and on that whole time. (I was getting help.)
Now, I see myself as Scene. Scene is more of an artistic way of expressing yourself on the outside. I am still drawn to and interested in dark things. It’s more my type. But I do have to watch out for it and be careful with my depression. I know it’s easy to get sucked back into it.
With my music, I love Metal Core (Screamo) or Hard Rock and there are many Christian Metal Core bands. (My dad, who is a pastor, likes them too and we have been to some concerts together!)
I always look for a bright side in the darkness. For example, when I want to wear dark clothing, I do my hair in very bright colors. When I want to have dark hair, I wear lighter colors. I also like to match the seasons.
Q: What advice would you give to a parent who has a teen who wants to be Emo?
K: Let them test the waters, but make sure your teen knows you are keeping an eye on them and you are concerned about this because it gets into some very dark places. But not all Emo stuff is bad. Parents should look out for signs of cutting (long sleeves and bracelets), big chokers on the neck (to cover marks from choking), and shutting out the world constantly with music and headphones. That’s a way of not coping and giving up hope.
Pay attention to the emotion of the music they are listening to, also. If you need music ideas, you can ask me for suggestions in the comments, or you can send a message through my mom’s website and she will get it me and I will respond to your questions.
There are other important warning signs that parents should look out for. Check out the resources below for some good help.
Q: Now for some nitty-gritty details. How do you change your hair color so often without frying your hair?
The first step if you have dark hair is to bleach it, which is the hardest on your hair. A better way to bleach hair is with a bleach bath. Add 2 T powdered hair bleach to 4 T conditioner. Apply to hair and leave in for up to 10 minutes. Check often.
Powdered hair bleach can be purchased separately or comes in some hair dye kits.
I use Splat for my permanent colors. Permanent means it will last about a month (depending on how bright the color) until it starts to wash out and fade. Splat is all natural. Splat you can get all over, such as at Walgreens. Splat can be left on a long time for darker color, but I would not exceed 3 hours.
For temporary colors I use Manic Panic which will wash out by the end of the month. Manic Panic is all natural and organic. Manic Panic you have to order online. Manic Panic you can leave the dye on as long as you want — some people even leave the dye on all night and wash it out in the morning. The longer it’s left on, the stronger the color.
Hair chalks, such as from Splat, last just until you wash it out. Those are also available at Walgreens.
The Hope Toolbox
Today’s Bible Verse
Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.
Psalm 25:5
Today’s Journaling Prompt
If you are a parent, are there discussions you need to have with your children today? If you are not a parent or your children are grown, who are the children or parents in your life that you can encourage? Your influence matters!
Resources (Suggested by Kiersten as helpful for Teens and Their Parents)
The Hope Toolbox Printable Kit for Depression & Anxiety
- You Are Not Alone
- Depression Does Not Define You
- What Does Depression Look Like?
- 10 Encouraging Bible Verses to Ease Depression
- When Your Daughter Wants to Dye Her Hair Blue
- How to Manage Depression and Chronic Pain
- Truths About Depression: Stuff You Don’t Want to Hear
- I Got Punched in the Face This Weekend
- Straight Talk About How to Survive Heartbreaking Grief
- For a Day When You Need Motivation
- Sometimes Grief Comes From Unexpected Places
- For Parents of a Teen Who Had a Near Miss
- 10 Simple Ways to Bring Creativity to Your Life
- A Depression Solution: Speak!
- Q & A with a Therapist about Depression
- Research Shows 4 Keys to Motivation When You Are Depressed
- 101 Ways to Boost Your Mood Immediately
- Is it Okay to Avoid Pain?
- How Can I Serve If I’m Depressed?
- Do You Have Angry Depression?
- A Room Full of Love: Thoughts After a Loved One’s Suicide
- Top 5 Offbeat I’m Depressed and Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now Movies
- What You Need to Know about Postpartum Depression
- Why You Need More Mental Flexibility
- How to Eat Healthy When You Don’t Feel Like It
- How to Exercise When You Don’t Feel Like It
- A Cure for Panic Attacks: The Potato Chip Method
- Can’t Sleep? Read This at 3:00 AM
- Do You Have Secondary Traumatic Stress?
- You Were Set Free For a Reason
- If You Write, Please Read This. (Plus, a FREE GIFT for All!)
I guess I am not as conservative as some parents. When my daughter was 10, she wanted a strip of purple in her hair. With her father’s permission, I told her to go for it. In my opinion, it was just hair and would wash/grow out eventually. I have colored my hair (I have a lot of gray) since I was 13. It seems like a small change, but I can see where it would be an indication of something bigger. It was a good post, and I was pleased how well your daughter answered all the questions
Love this! It’s great that she purposely choose something not permanent and that she recognizes that it can be done all in fun without going too far into the darker stuff.
Sarah….I so love this. I do some substitute teaching at the local high school and I see these girls with their funky hair styles all the time. I love the candid interview with your daughter and what I really love is the fact that I don’t sense any judgement or condemnation from you toward her. That is so rare. People are so quick to judge. Its no wonder some of these kids are suicidal and depressed. They can’t even be real! Thank you for such an inspiring post.
Thanks for your comment, Kristen. I’m sure teaching at a local high school you HAVE seen it all. I doubt my daughter would agree that I’m non-judgemental about her hair. 🙂 I’ve come a super long way but we’ve definitely had our share of battles. It doesn’t really bother me now and I enjoy her express of her personality, but I wasn’t happy about it at first. Now the lip piercing she wants to get, that’s another story…
I so hear ya! My daughter has some piercings too. My boys have tattoos….At this point, since they are all adults, they will have to live with the results of the choices they made regarding their hair, bodies etc when they get older LOL
Had to read this since I’m rocking blue streaks right now. I’ve had blue or purple or pink streaks in my hair whenever my job/education at the moment allows it for the past few years. I didn’t start coloring my hair till I was already married, though–I’m not sure if my parents would have allowed it while I was living with them or not. I’m a firstborn, and they’ve relaxed a lot since–my teen sisters could dye their hair if they were interested, but they don’t like the maintenance. I’d love a full head of blue hair but my hairstylist background makes me very uptight about maintenance and roots, and since my hair is naturally almost black, I go for hidden peekaboo streaks that are easy to maintain and keep looking bright just the way I want them. I love my natural hair color, and but looking in the mirror and seeing my little streaks of blue, they just give me such a grin–I love looking back at old pictures with purple and pink streaks–to me, anything that can so easily add extra joy and smiles to my life (for next to no cost since it’s DIY), that’s a good thing. 🙂
I love it, Rachel! I have a small peek-a-boo streak of pink (started out purple) that Kiersten does for me. It’s fun to have a little bit of rebel. You can see mine in some of my bigger headshots if you look for it. (Like the top picture on this page: https://theholymess.com/about-me/) I agree it’s a huge bummer about the bright colors that they don’t last long and are hard to maintain.
Thank you and your daughter for the honesty. I appreciate hearing her story and the suggestion of what signs to look for in Emo. And also to know that all of the signs may not be pointing in a worrisome direction
I think it’s a really important message for parents to understand some of this. I had never heard of Emo until a few years ago and was totally clueless. Yes, I agree it can be hard to know what is okay and what is worrisome. It’s really helpful to bring in other people who are knowledgeable about teens and what is currently going on in that culture. It’s always ok to ask for help. One of our daughter’s middle school teachers mentored her and met with us to talk about some of it and we also had a therapist work with us who had worked in a girls’ treatment center for awhile so was very in-the-know about what is going on in today’s world. Both were very helpful in helping us sort through things.
I actually have quite a few friends (we are all in our 30s) who still do wild hair colors. I actually would be cool with it if my kids dyed their hair wild colors, but we go to a pretty liberal church (ELCA Lutheran) and I was always an “arty” kind of person. Of my many college majors I was in fine art, theater, and English Lit. Where we all tended to be more on the wild side style wise.
This is a great article, I love that you interviewed your daughter to get her insight.
Thanks for your input. I love that your church is so open to all people and that you are artistic and creative! Kiersten is such a great kid. I’m super proud of her. Of course I’m biased, but I get to be that way since I’m the mom. 🙂
As a woman whose children see her dying her hair every shade of the rainbow, I tell my girls as soon as they are 16 and can pay for their own dye they can start doing it. With that said, punk spray is the way to go if you’re afraid of your kids frying their hair and never getting back to their natural color. Jerome Russell is the best in my opinion. Or hair chalk is also a great wash out alternative, and one I let my little girls use, because quite frankly when their mom has peacock colored hair, I can’t think of a good reason why they can’t either 🙂
Great info, will check out Jerome Russell. Thanks for your comment and insights!
I love it. Scene. I’m going to have to remember that. Harmless self-expression is so important!
Scene is an actual “thing” like Punk or Goth. Google it. I am learning new stuff all the time from my teens! It’s a more upbeat alternative to Emo, which Emo has some very dark and (in my opinion) dangerous avenues to it. I am concerned about kids who consider themselves Emo.
I appreciated this…my son who is almost 19 just died his hair bright magenta and then sent me a text of it from college. He has never done anything this “crazy” and I will be honest I was horrified at first because yes what would people think, but now I am just trying to recognize it is a way he can be himself…he isn’t out drinking or doing drugs…he is a good student. It could be WAY worse. I needed to keep it in perspective.
I totally understand, Kristin, which is part of why I wrote this article! I was really opposed to Kiersten dying her hair at first. I’ve come a long way in my thinking. I have a small pink/purple streak in my hair now, too, that Kiersten does for me. It’s actually a lot of fun. Go figure! My own little bit of rebel coming out. 🙂
I love that you have embraced it and tried it a litte too. 🙂
I love the way you have handled this with your girl, slowly, with reservations, but ultimately allowing her to make her own choices with you watching. I also view hair as an easy, temporary way of expressing self and have allowed our 16 year old to make decisions that other Moms probably would not.
It’s such a tough balance, isn’t it? We definitely have not made all the “right” parenting decisions along the way, but we are learning as we go. I hope we are keeping the lines of communication open. We have great kids that are strong and resilient, and who love Jesus, no matter their hair color!