You Are Not Alone

I’m lying on my bathroom floor this afternoon. I cannot will myself to get up.

I don’t recommend this. My bathroom floor is disgustingly dirty. Yuck. It’s one of those floors that even when I clean it, it’s still rather gross. Not that I clean it that often.

I am depressed.

Overall things are on an upswing here. All the kids are in school now. (Cue the mass choir of angels singing.) Praise God in the highest heaven, the school district approved and is paying for an out-of-district placement for our behaviorally challenged child in a day-treatment school. Our family can take a collective breath.

Still, today is Saturday and weekends kind of suck.

I hate being the mom that hates having her kids at home. I love my kids. I used to really love my summers and weekends, and I would take the kids all over. We would go to the pool, and to the zoo, and hiking and to parks and museums. Then we would come home and crash and watch TV, lounging sprawled in the family room, limbs splayed in all directions as we soaked in air conditioning and munched on leftover snacks from the bags and coolers.

I remember when I was Fun Mom.

That was not this summer, and that is not me much me right now. We cannot be that now. I hate that that is not me and that we cannot do that and we cannot be that.

Even though we are doing better, we are still not well.

I am heartbroken and bitter and so very very exhausted.

And depressed on my bathroom floor.

Mike is cleaning up to leave for Saturday evening church. He had been Awesome Dad today, stepping in to watch the boys most of the morning.

I have been shuffling kids all week, attending meetings and Back to School nights, arranging therapies, and still making the never-ending phone calls. (Who am I always calling? I don’t know. I hate talking on the phone to Important People. There are always more Important People to call about important things.)

Mike is in the shower in the other bathroom. I shift on the uncomfortable surface, and adjust my makeshift towel-pillow.

I hear one of my boys roaming downstairs. The piano is playing. This is good. I know he is accounted for. Then I hear things banging. Something get kicked — boom! This is not so good. Still, I know where he is located.

I hear another child throwing a fit in a bedroom. There’s yelling, “F–k you! F–k you, Mom! I hate you, stupid mom!” I really, really, really dislike when my sweet child goes off like this. We do not talk like this in our house, and our child does not hear that type of language on TV here. Yet kids with behavior issues seem to be experts at cursing, whether they have much exposure or not. Sort of like boys will turn any rock or stick into a weapon.

I can handle one child with behavior issues but two of them puts me mentally at my breaking point. It’s too much to expect any one family to handle. Yet, here we are.

So, here I am lying on the bathroom floor for awhile.

When it’s time for Mike to leave, I will get up. I’m not so bad off that I can’t get up.

A few weeks ago, I was so bad off that I couldn’t get up. For many days.

I’m making progress.

Plus, it’s really gross down here. Not gross enough to motivate me to clean it, but gross enough that I’ll get up.

You Are Not Alone

One of the lies depression whispers to us is that “You are Alone.” (Read more about the lies depression whispers to us here.)

You are NOT Alone. No one experiences your life, but many of us have walked similar paths. Most important of all, God has promised many times over to never leave or forsake you.

The Hope Toolbox

The Hope Toolbox

Throughout this series, each of us is creating My Hope Toolbox, your own personal list of resources you can use for the bad days. Whether it’s go for a run, listen to music, or sit in the sunshine, we all need activities we know will help move us toward healing, even when we don’t FEEL like doing them.

What will you add to your Hope Toolbox today?

Today’s Bible Memory Verse: 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Today’s Journaling Prompt:

(Click here to download the My Hope Toolbox printable kit, or use a journal of your own.)

Depression often feels incredibly lonely. How can you reach out for help today? How can you help someone else, even in a very small way?

Helpful Resources:

Faith Raider: Another Bad Day

Faith Raider: I Am Going to Feel Better

Elizabeth Esther: Depression Lies to Me But I Don’t Have to Listen

My Hope Toolbox Printable Kit for Depression & Sadness

What other resources do you have to suggest? Please share them in the comments below. This blog series is very much a collaborative effort!

You Are Not Alone

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