Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary

Still Standing

• Still Standing
• What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
• The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
• How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
• The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
• I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
• The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
• What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
• What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
• What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
• What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
• When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
• Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
• When You Beg God for a Miracle
• Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
• When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
• Water Balloon Therapy: A Fun Approach to Attachment Therapy
• When You Are Humbled
• He Goes to the Park
• How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
• When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
• The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
• How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
• What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
• Dodge and Weave
• When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
• Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
• Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
• What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
• I’m the Most Stubborn
• Watching Miracles Unfold
• How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending

The first visit with the attachment therapist is intense.

Aaron had warned Mike and me that the first session would be tough. He told us to be prepared.

He said there are two critical turning points in his relationship with every child — the first session and the first time the kid is in crisis. Those two set the tone for the rest of the working relationship.

Attachment Therapy

Aaron is an attachment therapist who comes to our house. The sessions are mostly in our home, although he goes where our son goes, so sessions might be at the park, in the community, at Tae Kwon Do, or Aaron will also attend IEP meetings or other events. He is the center of the wheel that helps us manage our son’s life and behavior.

Aaron is a cool outdoorsy kind of guy. He has been working with the toughest teen boys for 17 years. He told us about a boy holding a butcher knife to his throat. Nothing our son does is going to scare him. He has totally no fear of these kids, and he says that over and over. That establishes his authority.

The first visit lasts about 2.5 hours.

Instead of working to develop a “friends” relationship or even find something in common, one of the first things Aaron tells our son is, “I’m your therapist, not your friend.”

Aaron tells us this actually helps kids like our son calm down. Kids with trauma issues feel anxious when adults try to be their friend, because then the child feels like they have to be in control. This escalates them.

Aaron tells us he will work with our son for each session and then also take him out to do some fun activity time or community based time. They might play basketball or ride bikes. He is really big on kids facing their fears, and he keeps them guessing.

Number one is getting our son’s aggression under control. Nothing else can be dealt with until then.

Aaron has us order his workbook, The Feelings Workbook, which is geared toward younger kids but will work for our son who is emotionally young, and a Time Timer to help him calm down his anxiety.
TIME TIMER Original 12 inch...Shop on AmazonMy Feelings WorkbookShop on Amazon
Aaron uses some of the Nancy Thomas methods we’ve been using summer, but he encourages us to not feel like we have to stick to the system. He says by the time parents get to where we are, we are exhausted so we cling to the systems as our last ditch effort. The system becomes the life-line.

The trouble is the kids see this and manipulate it because there will always be times we can’t do the system exactly.

He tells us several times, “I’m not Nancy Thomas,” and he uses an eclectic mixture of all the attachment theories and his own expertise from years of experience.

Aaron tells us the number one rule is, as the parents — YOU ARE THE BOSS. It’s okay to have the system, but give yourself flexibility within the system. When we make changes, say, “I am making this decision because I’m the mom,” if I choose to allow something different.

Mike and I both take a huge sigh of relief when he says this.

We learn about lying. Our son has been lying to us non-stop, and we call him on the carpet for it, telling him we know he is lying. Aaron taught us to change the wording to “fear.” If we focus too much on saying he’s lying all the time, that ingrains those negative patterns in his brain.

Instead, we point out to our son that he is lying because of fear, and we can teach him not to be afraid. So whenever he lies and controls, Aaron taught us to say, “I know you are really afraid right now because _____” or “I see you are showing fear right now because __________.”

Aaron will step in and break the cycle of our son’s rages. If our son continues to assault us, Aaron will walk us through the process of taking our son to court. Kids can be charged with assault and battery after age 10 in our state, and the time has come to draw the line in our home.

After the first session, I’m feel flutters of hope for the first time in a long while.

Still Standing

Bible Verse

• Still Standing
• What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
• The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
• How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
• The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
• I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
• The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
• What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
• What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
• What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
• What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
• When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
• Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
• When You Beg God for a Miracle
• Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
• When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
• Water Balloon Therapy
• When You Are Humbled
• He Goes to the Park
• How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
• When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
• The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
• How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
• What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
• Dodge and Weave
• When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
• Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
• Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
• What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
• I’m the Most Stubborn
• Watching Miracles Unfold
• How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending

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