- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy: A Fun Approach to Attachment Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
As parents who have adopted children, an important question we continually face is how do I talk to my adopted kids about their birth family?
If a child comes from a birth family situation that was not ideal, included drugs, alcohol, dysfunction, or abuse, these conversations are tricky.
I’m not here to judge birth families. Look, all families have dysfunction.
The goal is to consider what is best for the child, and this child may be emotionally in limbo between two worlds. The child might wonder about and long for his birth family. (Not all children, but many do.)
Adoptive parents wonder:
- When do we tell a child about his past? What are the signs that the time is right?
- How much do we reveal?
- How do we do it?
- How do I honor his birth family yet share honestly?
There are parts of our children’s history that are everyday aspects of life. We talk about adoption on a daily basis. We talk about birth moms and adoption days. These are always open for discussion. Sometimes my kids bring up the topic. Sometimes I bring it up.
Other areas are not ones I tend to bring up, but I would gladly talk about should my kids ask. Specific questions about birth parents, family history, and previous visits are topics that come to mind.
Generally, I have believed that honesty is the best policy. I want my children to believe that:
- Mom tells me the truth.
- It’s safe to talk to mom about these topics. (By “safe” I mean, mom won’t crumble into a puddle of sadness when they bring up the topic. While I feel it’s fine to share my own emotions on a basic level, if I’m a total mess, I know they won’t feel safe sharing anymore.
Both of our adopted sons have a history that is significant. For their sake, I am not going to disclose full details here.
I believe his history is his-story and belongs to him.
Regardless, what happened to each of my sons before they came to our home is serious, it’s preverbal, and it’s real.
His History is His-Story
I believe the body holds memories. This is beyond what I can fully comprehend, but while I know each of my sons didn’t know what happened to him, I believe a part of him knew on some deepest core level.
These experiences had changed their brains, their processes, and their beliefs about themselves.
I once had a therapist suggest to me that we never tell our sons about their history. After all, what purpose would it serve? It would only upset them and could cause such emotional pain.
I hear the theory behind this, but this had never sat right with me.
A child’s history is his history. It belongs to him. I don’t feel I have a right to hold onto something so vital about him — or withhold it from him — even if I feel it’s for his own good.
So I’ve always believed we would fully disclose all we know to each of them when the time was right.
When to Share?
Yet when is the time right?
I think I had this idea in my mind that we would tell each of them someday when the boys were 18 years old or so.
I know I pictured us sitting in a therapist’s office somewhere, with a kind soul guiding us through this process. Each boy would of course be very upset, but would have the adult resources to handle this news of how he came to be in the foster care system, why he was removed from his birth family, and the things that happened in his past.
Realistic? No, probably not.
Not Perfect
We’ve been careful to be respectful when speaking about birth parents in our home.
I show respect to the families who gave our children life.
But I might have also taken this too far. The truth is that our kids came to us as foster children for a reason, and the reasons are not good.
If we are not truthful, how will our kids understand how they came to be where they are in life?
Talking about these things is painful, but it’s true, and the truth is better than pretending.
As our children get older, the time has come to discuss the tougher realities of their birth histories.
A Decision
May, 2015
Still, I had not in any way, shape, or form planned to tell my son about these most serious issues from his past when he is 10 years old.
My son’s behaviors continue to increase. We are seeing a new therapist, and one of his first suggestions is that Mike and I consider disclosing to our son the full truth of his birth history.
A part of me is taken aback at the thought of this, but another part of me is ready to do it as soon as possible. Maybe I am seeking something — anything — that can potentially help my child’s behavior.
We know the behaviors will surely get worse for a time, but we think maybe then he will get better with the right therapy.
Is full disclosure now the right timing? Generally, secrets in therapy aren’t good, and as our son is getting older, the likelihood of him discovering information on his own is possible, and we don’t want that.
Mike and I go home to think about it and pray over it, but we both know we will probably share with him soon.
Still Standing
Bible Verse
Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,
Philippians 1:27
Journal Prompt
How might you use your life experiences to be a witness to others?
Resources
Twenty Things Adopted Kids ...Shop on AmazonTodd Parr's Family BundleShop on Amazon
Other Books for Children About Adoption
The Family Book by Todd Parr
The Day We Met You by Phoebe Koehler
“A” is for Adopted by Elieen Tucker Cosby
All Families are Different by Sol Gordon
All Families are Different by Nina Pellegrini
- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
Foster & Adoptive Parents
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Nicole says
You have a lot of great thoughts!
In my experience, the best thing to do is ask my children specifically what they want to know and work from there (unless there’s something affecting them that they are unaware of that I need to make them aware of). I’ll even bring up specific subjects and ask my kids if they want to know about them. More often than I expected, the answer is “no.” But every child is different, and it IS their story.
The constant conversation is necessary and I love how you make honesty and safety priorities!
Sara says
This is a great point Nicole. Thank you for bringing up the point that sometimes kids aren’t ready for too much information, but that we should keep the lines of communication open.
April says
Excellent article. I could not agree more!
Our son (age 3.5, came to us at 16 mo. of age in foster care) is in a similar situation and we are praying hard about these days ahead.
Constance Jagow says
Sara, I had a friend who wasn’t told she was adopted until she saw the adoption papers accidently at 18 years old. She was shattered. No one wanted to tell her and as she was growing up everyone else in the family knew. She guessed something was wrong. She never recovered, so bitter. She committed suicide in her 50s and so goes that theory of holding back. Than God you are taking the right steps.
Sara says
Oh my! Thank you for sharing about that experience. I have a friend too who didn’t find out about his adoption until he was an adult. I know that adoptions were kept sealed more often in the past. Still, it’s one thing to have a sealed adoption, it’s another to have all the other family members know but not her. I hope and pray we are taking the right steps but it’s hard to say. Right now the theories swing toward open adoption, but that’s not been all a bed of roses either. There are no easy answers!