- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy: A Fun Approach to Attachment Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
When my teen son, young adult daughter and I return home from a youth group meeting, my heart sinks when I see a police cruiser sitting in our driveway.
We walk into the living room to find an officer taking a report from my husband and son about a situation involving my son earlier that weekend.
I stay to join the discussion while my teens flee downstairs to their bedrooms.
My older kids don’t freak out or act shocked.
Situation like this have been a part of their world for years, because living with a brother with significant mental health issues is part of their everyday life.
The fact that they handle it so well bothers me more than if they had gotten upset.
I don’t want them to think this is no big deal.
As I watch them hurry to leave, I want to scream and cry and throw things. I want to lie on the ground and throw a ridiculous temper tantrum right there for them.
Since when is coming home to find the police in your living room okay?
It’s not okay, but here we are.
Our Special Needs
Special needs come in all shapes and sizes. Because we parent children with a background of early childhood trauma, mental health issues are part of our world.
I have called the police for my own child. Rages, outbursts, lying, stealing, and destruction are part of our normal.
For some special needs parents, hospital stays, tubes, doctor’s appointments, and middle of the night ER runs are their normal. Our youngest son has a metabolic genetic condition and we were foster parents to many medically fragile children, so I’ve lived in that world too.
I understand the extra weight of guilt parents carry for the siblings of our special needs kids.
We have 5 children. Our older three are our biological children and our younger two are adopted and have special needs. I would be lying if I said I loved all my children the same. I don’t love one more or less than the other, but there are differences.
My children who have emotional issues are hard to love. They hold up their negative behaviors like a shield, attempting to keep the world away from their bruised hearts. They don’t believe they are worthy of love and they set about proving it on a daily basis.
“Too bad, I love you anyway,” is what we show them with our consistent love, support, and structure. But this is not easy.
What Life is Like
In the middle of it all, here are these incredible, typical children who did not choose this life.
My older children leave countless events early, stay home, do without, lock down, and see their property destroyed.
They worry about their parents.
They know what it’s like to visit a sibling in the hospital and at an inpatient psychiatric facility.
They love fiercely, even if the love is not returned in the same way.
They measure out medicine, follow prescription diets, attend to wounds, and juggle life around doctor appointments.
They care for children that — quite frankly — many adults cannot handle.
They cook meals, do laundry, and clean the house.
They watch me advocate and know they are part of a team.
There are days I look at them and think — what I wouldn’t do to give you a normal childhood.
Other times, I’m not so sure.
What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
As parents, we wonder what life will be like as we look down the road.
What will happen to the sibling of a special needs child?
1. God uses this experience to mold them.
My older kids are 20, 18, and 14 years old as I write this, so while not fully grown, they are well on their way to adulthood.
They are amazing.
These young people of mine are hardworking, independent, and wise beyond their years.
We want to give our children so much. Naturally we want to shield them from pain, but then how does growth happen?
God knew what He was doing when He brought this family together, by marriage, birth, foster care, and adoption.
2. Siblings of special needs kids grow up strong.
Sometimes they grow up hard, and at times we feel it’s too fast, but they are resilient. Children who have a special needs sibling are compassionate and wise.
These are kids I would hire for a job or choose as top picks to finish college (and do their own laundry while they are there). They know how to keep going when life gets tough.
They value family. For awhile I worried that my children would resent me for the type of life we have because it’s so different from many of their peers. Yet our kids have a strong family connection. They take care of their younger siblings and stay connected to us as their parents.
They don’t mess around. If you want someone who will have a real conversation with you, take your time to talk to a child who is the sibling of a special needs child. You’ll have the most enriching conversation.
They know what they believe. They have already dodged some of the hard knocks that life punches. This is when faith becomes not what our parents believe, but what I believe.
As a parent, what more could you want?
Still Standing
Bible Verse
And the Lord said to Job:
2 “Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.”Job 40:1
Journal Prompt
(If you have time, read all of Job 40. Job questions God, and God says to Job — who are you to question me?)
When problems come, we all sometimes question God. It’s humbling to read Job 40. God says, “Who are you to question me?” What is your response to this?
- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
Resources
Sibshops: Workshops for Sib...Shop on Amazon
The Sibling Slam Book: What...Shop on Amazon
Views from Our Shoes: Growi...Shop on Amazon
Oh Sara, I feel so blessed by finding you -as tears stream down my face from your transparency here. Our family is just beginning the journey with my youngest presenting special needs. I pray often over my oldest and how strong she has to be because she is “normal”. This post gives me hope that she will not grow up to resent us or her sister.
Tiffany, I am thankful we found each other! I’m glad this was a helpful post for you. We have seen such resiliency and compassion from our older children. It’s definitely not always been easy, but they have been remarkable. Blessings for your whole family.
We have the experience of the local police, it’s an on going saga for us unfortunately. Luckily the police are realising that my lads behaviour is often not his choice, and that he is vulnerable. Now when the police come to visit, it is to be supportive to us. Good luck to you, you are doing amazing
Thanks so much for your comment, Matthew. I’m sorry that you understand this, too. I appreciate your support!
I am the sister of two amazing special needs girls, one a high functioning cerebral palsy and one with down syndrome. I am 22 and married, so I don’t live with them anymore, but these girls are my life. I’ve seen posts about how parents regret not and boring their special needs children because of the legacy and effect it will have on their other children and it breaks my heart. My sisters are the best part of who I am because they taught me so much about compassion and patience and love and understanding. One day I will have to take care of my youngest sister, but it’s not and boring burden as some would believe. Taking care of family should never be considered a burden. I could not be more proud and happy to have my sisters. Thank you for this post.
Destiny, you are obviously an amazing big sister! Your sisters are so blessed to have you! And you are blessed to have them. Thanks so much for your comment, which is a great encouragement to me and I’m so to many other parents of special needs kids, too. I appreciate you taking the time to write.
Sara, your story today gave me a new perspective into life as an adoptive parent or a parent of special needs children and how it affects the rest of the family. My first thought was one of feeling sorry for the older three. However, by the end of the article I could see how this would give the children depth of character and mold them into people who got out and do great things, who aren’t afraid, who have witnessed first hand their parents fight uphill battles and succeed. I chose to take my mother into our home when she was dying of cancer when my daughters were young teenagers. The depth of compassion they feel as young adults I’m sure stemmed from that. Thank you for sharing so deeply from your heart.
Sara, thank you and your family for loving on these special needs children. Just thinking how we all are hard to love at times, yet He still loves us. Your older children sound amazing and probably have a better handle on what really matters in this life.