- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy: A Fun Approach to Attachment Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
Our adopted 10 year old son had an inexplicable rage inside of him.
Actually, anyone who understands trauma and adoption would say it’s totally explainable. Click here to read about understanding kids with trauma history.
The Early Years
We started with 2 year old temper tantrums that were more aggressive than most, and those never seemed to go away, becoming progressively bigger, louder, and angrier as he grew older.
The rest of the time, he was a perfectly sweet child. He made eye contact. He was loving. He gave hugs that were real.
He was not overly defiant, although he was incredibly, supremely hyper. Besides being adopted he has a complex medical history, so we had reasons and explanations for it.
He had some odd sensory issues and behaviors, like rubbing blankets, rubbing people, rubbing the cats.
Food had always been a problem. So, so, so picky, always.
Chewing food and then spitting it back out. It was a victory when we got him to spit it into the garbage and not just right back onto his plate at the dinner table. The first year of life it was almost impossible to get him to take a bottle at all, but that isn’t totally unusual for preemies.
As our son grew, life could be going along totally fine, and then BOOM, one thing would set him off and he would be in a full blown rage over the most minor issue. I remember when he was a toddler taking him into the garage and holding him for 30 minutes or more while he screamed and raged.
We tried all sorts of things to calm him, ignore him, manage him.
We tried all types of therapy.
We had therapists come to the house. We went to therapies.
All the books, all the stuff.
We did the big time evaluations at the hospitals and treatment centers. We have 50 page evaluation documents. I think we are up to at least 5 of them now. A few new tidbits are in each one, but really it was medical explanations of what we already knew. Do more therapies. You are good parents. He’s fortunate to have you. You are doing more than most.
Thank you, but…that doesn’t help us get through the days any better.
Sometimes the rages would be every day, sometimes only once a week.
There were always issues, but overall he held it together fairly well outside of home. He could function. He had friends. He made it though a school day. Life at home was not easy, but we managed. We were tired, but we managed, and we could function.
The kid is so freakin’ cute, it saves him. People like him despite the fact that he drives them a bit crazy. He’s very lovable and warm. He has a fantastic sense of humor, too.
Changes at School
Fourth grade was when we started to see concerning, bigger changes. Our son got into fights with kids in the classroom. Up until this time, he always had friends at school. He would come home and tell me kids picked on him, but the teachers reported he was quite popular. It was his own turned-around thoughts that made him think kids picked on him.
But now, things were changing. His relationship with his teacher that year was negative, too. She was a great teacher but not the right match for him — more strict and less warm. He started having fits in the classroom which had never happened before.
In fourth grade our son had his first suspensions, which was new, and fist-fights with other boys, also totally new.
Fifth grade was a fresh start with a fantastic teacher, but we still saw a continuation of the spiral downward, both at home and at school. We started with a new therapist (our previous therapist, who we loved, moved away). The change was good for our son. He was part of an African drumming group and had music in common with his new, male therapist.
Still, being at the local mental health center, they never had enough time on the schedule for the intense therapy we needed. One hour twice a month was nothing for the troubles with which we were dealing.
As the school year progressed, our son started having serious behavior issues. More fights, and more serious ones. He was removed from before and after school activities. He spent less and less time in the regular classroom.
His behavior plan was adjusted, and then it was adjusted again. Then again.
Many times I requested he have his own teacher’s aide, and many times I was denied.
Could he be moved into a smaller classroom, I asked?
Oh no, not even close, I was told.
Our son’s behavior continued to deteriorate.
In retrospect, I feel the school staff did so much, and they were wonderful, but they did too much. They told me they were building a case for the help he needed for the future — proving they did all the could for him. I hear the logic, but I disagree.
While I understand Least Restrictive Environment I also see it as the Waiting to Fail model, and each time my child fails, he is damaged.
He is not a piece of paper, he is not a number. He is a child.
At one point I asked the special ed teacher if we should hire a special education advocate. “Oh no,” she said. “Those just make the school staff annoyed and don’t do you any good.”
HUGE MISTAKE. BAD ADVICE.
We should have hired an advocate at that point. My son has rights as a student of public education. I was continually told, “We don’t have an aide for him,” which honestly is not our problem as parents. They have to meet his needs, and if an aide is not the solution, then something has to be.
By the end of the school year, our son was spending very little time in the regular classroom. He was constantly moving throughout his day.
Twenty minutes in the special ed room. Then 20 minutes in the front office. Then 20 minutes with the speech teacher. Then 20 minutes having his lunch with the school psychologist.
This is not what’s best for a child who cannot calm himself down.
We had several BIG incidents that last year of elementary school. A rage where the classroom had to be cleared. A fist-fight with another student. A couple more suspensions and so many in-school ones I lost track. Yelling the F-word down the hallway.
I dreaded the phone around 2:30 every afternoon because I knew it was the principal calling to tell what new bad thing had happened that day.
Stuff I would have been mortified about years ago now became part of my normal. Remind me how we got here again?
I learned you have to let go of guilt. You have to let go of control and constant worry.
Otherwise, you just go crazy with grief.
What I will say was awesome is that the school never once made us feel bad about our son’s behavior. Never. We had our clashes, but all in all we worked as a team. They felt just as bad as we did, if not worse.
The school so much wanted our son to be successful. They had seen him grow up all his years with them and were as perplexed and worried as we were about the drastic changes we saw in his last year.
Rages at Home
School is a huge deal, but it’s not all of life. There is also home, which ultimately is more of an influence than school.
Home life wasn’t going so hot at this point either.
The rages we had always dealt with at home now increased in intensity. Our son was kicking holes in the walls on a regular basis. What had happened once, now happened 6, 7, 8 times.
Rages went from once or twice a week to once or twice a day. They lasted longer.
Our other children learned to lock themselves in their rooms when the raging began. Dinners were often eaten behind locked doors. Dishes piled up in bedrooms.
I kept a stash of board games and treats in my room for the other children to keep busy during these outburst sessions.
The physical aggression toward us increased. We had talked with our therapist many times about calling the police or taking our son to the walk-in crisis treatment center.
I knew the time for both was surely coming, but dreaded doing it.
Still Standing
Bible Verse
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
Journaling Prompt
Have times of suffering produced endurance and character in your life? Are you going through a time of suffering now? Talk to God about it.
Resources
NAMI
Nancy Thomas, When Love is Not Enough
Nancy Thomas, Healing Trust: Rebuilding the Broken Bond
Bruce Perry, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories From a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook
Parents and Caregivers: Are You Dealing with Secondary PTSD?
- Still Standing
- What I Saw the Day of the Family Photos
- The Downward Spiral of My Son’s Behavior
- How Do I Talk to My Adopted Kids About Their Birth Family?
- The Day We Told Our Son About His Past
- I Called the Police for My Own Son…and I’m a Good Mom.
- The Worst Father’s Day…but it Wasn’t
- What It’s Like to Take Your Child to the Hospital for Mental Health Care
- What It’s Like When Your Child Needs Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Visits Are Like When Your Child Gets Inpatient Mental Health Care
- What Life is Like When Your Child Has Mental Health Issues
- When Grief and Hope Come in Waves
- Attachment Therapy: When a New Start is Scary
- When You Beg God for a Miracle
- Tough Vacation Decisions for Kids with Special Needs
- When Kids Take Medication for Behavior
- Water Balloon Therapy
- When You Are Humbled
- He Goes to the Park
- How to Measure Progress in Tough Situations
- When My Adopted Child Cries for His Birth Mom
- The Two Equally Important Jobs of Every Parent
- How to Shift Conversations with Challenging Kids
- What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You
- Dodge and Weave
- When the Life Has Been Sucked Out of You
- Every Test in Your Life Makes You Bitter or Better.
- Mornings, Bedtimes, and Other Routines for Kids with Trauma History
- What Happens to the Sibling of a Special Needs Child
- I’m the Most Stubborn
- Watching Miracles Unfold
- How to Find Peace…When You Don’t Get Your Happy Ending
Foster & Adoptive Parents
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Have you heard of NR (Neurological reorganization) www.neurosolutions.org ?
Here is a great article about healing from the bottom up. http://beaconhouse.org.uk/developmental-trauma/the-repair-of-early-trauma-a-bottom-up-approach/
Thanks for the comment. This is a great article and I am actually going to write about it for a future blog.
Oh, this resonates so much. Thanks for adding it to the #CPVstories linky.
Thank you so much for sharing! A couple of years ago I found your blog (one of the few that really honestly addresses children with special needs) and it was of great comfort to me while we worked with my oldest son. He has several sensory processing disorders and metabolic disorder. He has always been well behaved at school but would imploded and fall apart at home. His depression and anxiety became increasingly worse at about the same time as your sons did in the 4th grade. The school told us the same thing that we had to document everything to get he resources we needed which just meant waiting for him to fail over and over again. This year he’s in 6th grade and we pulled him out of public school. I quit my job because we couldn’t find a school appropriate private school for him and didn’t think he could handle emotionally handle middle school. We’ve only been homeschooling for 5 weeks now but it’s like I have a very different child now. He’s calm, happy and peaceful. What are your thoughts on public school aggravating the situation for these kids struggling with their emotions? I just wish there were more options. Praying for your son and family:)
Amy
Amy, I’m SO thankful to hear things are going so much better with homeschooling! God bless you my friend. I am a huge believer in homeschooling — I just can’t do it myself. Ha! I think public school is a huge stress for our kids. The attachment therapist we had who came into our home (you’ll read about him in the upcoming posts on the series) talked to us about that. All these kids with sensory and PTSD symptoms and you put them together. In our son’s case in a day treatment setting so they are really exploding all over the place and triggering each other. I think if you can homeschool that’s great. I just personally could not do it. I was all out at my max emotionally, and it’s okay to know yourself too and what you can and cannot handle.
Oh my sweet sister! I’ve sat in similar meetings and had similar conversations that led to no viable plan. Our circumstances were not the same as yours, but reading this… I just want to hug you and your family close! Whisper words of encouragement and tell each of you how truly awesome you all are! (Can I put a few more !!!!)
Continuing to pray for you and your family!
Thank you so much for your ongoing prayers and support. xoxo
As the sibling of someone similar to your son, I can’t thank you enough for writing this series. At the time when all this was happening in our home, I didn’t understand and was mad at my parents and brother quite frequently. Now that I am older, I understand that my parents did all they could to help my brother but unfortunately mental health and substance use issues run in our family. We still deal with various issues related to my brother’s bipolar and ODD but it is easier for me to deal with. I am going to share your series with my mom to help in her continued healing as well!
Ashley, thanks so much for writing! One of my ongoing pains has been what my older kids have been through with all of this. In fact that will be an upcoming topic of this series, so I’ll be really curious your thoughts on that post. Thanks for reading and for sharing with your mom too. Hugs to your whole family.
Hi! I have two boys,(5,8) and we have been struggling for years. My 8yr old was diagnosed at 4 with ASD,ADHD,ODD,PTSD and mood disorder, but now it has been dropped to ADHD. His new doctor says that ODD part of true ADHD behavior. My 8yr old is so aggressive, violent and hateful towards his 5yr old brother. I truly believe he loves him and likes him, but I think he doesn’t want to like him. Whenever my 5yr old does something well or does a good thing then my 8yr old immediately tries to minimize it or tries to do it better. My 5yr old is starting this against the 8yr old too. I’m thankful to stumble upon you today! It’s comforting to know other faith filled Mommas dealing with similar issues.
Thanks for sharing your experience. You bring up an interesting point about the 8 year old always trying to minimize when the 5 year old does well. We have that same behavior. Did your 8 year old experience early trauma? I write about that some in the upcoming “Father’s Day” post if you get a chance to read it. Thinking of you!
Our daughter was adopted at age 3 from Korea. She came with a whole host of problems. She could not control herself and her rage even at that age. She had difficulty through out school with stealing small things, generally getting into minor trouble. She was good at gymnastics so we encouraged that while doing therapy. While we had quiet periods , they always turned into more anger and outbursts. She ran away when she was 16, finally graduated at 18. She refused to cooperate with counselors, teachers, psychiatrists, psychologists, so my husband and I did the therapy by ourselves. She started college but quit after bad grades and more problems. She went from one apartment to another , getting evicted from each by the police because of her behavior and outbursts. She is 43 now and sadly, is still living like that. She has no job, no friends, and most people are afraid to be around her because of her rage. She is now also addicted to drugs. She makes terrifying threats against everyone including us. We have moved to another state to feel safe from her threats. She seeks revenge on anyone who crosses her. We tried to get help for her continually from the time we adopted her until she moved out. We have volunteered to pay for help for her now but she refuses. It saddens me that she will not get help until she really commits a crime. Right now she is being held in jail for some minor charges but she can’t pay the bond and at least we know she is safe and so is everyone else. It breaks our heart to see her like this and know all the potential that she has but can’t reach because of her rage.
Oh Patricia, I’m sorry you have been through this. You have opened your heart and home and have experienced so much pain. It’s so that God does not promise us happy endings in this life. In upcoming parts of this series I’ll be writing about the attachment therapist who came into our home and helped me so much. One of the things he told me about was a mom whose son continued in and out of jail. And she showed up for his court dates. Our therapist said, “and that mattered. Because no one else came.” What you have done and do for your daughter — with the necessary boundaries to protect yourself — it matters. It really matters.
I truly want to hear the rest of your story. We adopted 3 children that are full siblings – they were each adopted at birth. The last was a preemie at 29 1/2 weeks. Compared to all of the other babies in NICU – she did amazingly well. She thrived after we brought her home but was always strong-willed. By 2 or 3 she was having bad temper tantrums which grew worse and just weren’t normal. She started stealing and lying by age 5. Her outbursts got worse. I started video taping them to show her doctors and therapists. At 8 she was diagnosed with ODD – at 9 with Conduct Disorder. We feel she also has bipolar tendencies. She has been in therapy since age 4. She is now 10 – almost 11. We have learned to deal with her outbursts differently which has helped. Our household isn’t as crazy as it used to be but she is still moody – has outbursts – steals and lies. She causes problems everywhere she goes. She is very controlling and manipulative. She is your child all over. Many adoptive parents would have given up but it just makes me want more for her. She is so very bright but I worry for her future.
Our kids do sound so similar, BK! Please do keep reading as I think you’ll find a lot of interesting information as the series continues. Thanks for your comment, and feel free to send me an email anytime, too. sara@saraborgstede.com
I see why your series is called Still Standing. Wow – you’ve been through so much and I’m only 3 posts in! I look forward to reading the rest of your posts.
Thanks, Heidi. Yes, it has been a journey living it and a journey writing it! I hope it will be a blessing to others, both parents with similar experiences and anyone who is going through a time of trial. Thanks for the comment.
Wow, Sara. I’ve been reading your blog on and off for a few months. What a great job you do keeping up this great resource and blog for other women in the midst of ALL that you are going through. Your perseverance is amazing and an inspiration.
Even though we don’t have adopted children or special needs in our house, just plain old, normal parenting can be hard at times and leaves me exhausted and tired… Then I started reading your series here and have SOOO much respect and admiration for your grace and determination in the midst of very, very hard circumstances. I will be praying for you and this continued journey and I look forward to reading the rest of these posts. I will also forward this on to friends whom I know would really resonate with this adoption story. Blessing to you.
Thanks for the comment, Lisa. You’ve got it right. Just plain parenting is hard — none of it is easy. 🙂 My hat is off to ALL of us parents. Thanks for reading and for sharing my writing with some other parents who might find it helpful.